I Pass

Bridge is a pleasant pastime,
That's if you know how to play it.
But I've played it for the last time,
And I mean that when I say it.

Let me tell you about the climax,
The night I threw in the towel.
I'll give you the cold and bare facts,
Of how the whole thing went afoul.

We were sitting around the front room
Having a friendly chew,
When someone unwittingly spelled out doom
With, “Let's have a rubber or two”.

So we rolled out the old card table
And the four of us gathered 'round
We sat the bridge lamp by Mable,
And laid out two decks we'd found.

We cut for deal, and John drew high,
So Molly, his partner made.
Thus the cards began to fly,
And the evening began to fade.

The first rubber fell to Mable and I,
The next to Molly and John.
Then Mable and I broke the tie,
And we now had a game on.

It became Mable's turn to have first say.
“Two spades,” she bid with a smile.
Then Molly passed the bid my way
And got out her finger nail file.

Now, I had heard of Culbertson
And rules that stretched for yards.
But they didn't seem to help,
For all I could see was thirteen lousy cards.

“I guess I'll pass,” I said, looking up.
John quickly said, “Me too.”
Then Mable dropped her coffee cup,
And her face slowly turned blue.

The house was never so quiet before.
She played that hand like a mute.
She made her two, and what is more,
She picked up three to boot.

Then she spoke, “Now look here, Dad,
You sweet and lovable kid.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOUR EARS GONE BAD?”
“DIDN'T YOU HEAR MY BID?”

What all she said, I don't recall.
It was something about a “demand.”
But, after she'd finally said it all,
We started to play the next hand.

Now Molly and John had bid three “no,”
But Molly was slightly troubled.
She'd found a “void” a bit to slow,
And further more, she was “doubled.”

She got in the lead and started to play,
But suddenly had to stop.
When that deuce fell to a trey,
I thought John's eyes would pop.

She looked at him with a sickly grin,
And said, “I guess I miscounted.”
This was an unforgivable sin,
And John's temperature mounted.

Now it went from bad to worse.
Poor Molly couldn't do a thing.
One of her aces went home in a hearse,
And she threw away a good king.

After the cards had all been played,
And she started to count her tricks,
She found that she'd been badly flayed.
The answer came out — down six!

John picked up the pad to write the score,
But all he could do was shudder.
He slammed the pencil to the floor,
And then he began to stutter.

His eyeballs started to loop the loop.
I thought he was throwin'a fit.
He shouted, “MY GOSH, I'VE BEEN A D-D-DUPE!”
“I MARRIED A N-N-NITWIT!”

We got him quieted down before long,
And, though he was still seeing red,
We picked up the cards, which proved to be wrong,
'Cause I got in over my head.

I was playing three clubs, not a hard bid to make,
And one that would give us a game.
But I knew very well I'd make a mistake,
And have to absorb all the blame.

Sure enough, I got in a mess,
While trying to play out my trump.
I forgot that I'd worked a finesse
And John's queen fell with a thump.

Mable was certain that we would win,
So she blanched at what she saw.
Then with her high heel she found my shin,
And she kicked until it was raw.

Now it was Molly's turn to shine.
Her reason had all but gone.
She thought the next lead was one of mine,
So she trumped an ace for John.

End of Page 1, Chapter 12 — Go to Page 2

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Cover Page — Editor's Introduction — Dedication/Prologue

Table of Contents — Mission Maps

Chapters — 01 — 02 — 03 — 04 — 05 — 06 — 07

08 — 09 — 10 — 11 — 12 — 13 — 14 — 15 — 16 — 17

Epilogue — Milton Evening Standard News Story